28th July

It's is a normal day. Not too good, not too bad.
Thinking of changing my job.
I'm not saying that my current no good, just I need more commitment.
Looking better offer, changing working environment, learn more different things.

Lots of my old colleague are already resigned.
Some how, I feel a bit boring in this company.
Maybe I just don't know find something to do and make myself busy.
But I just feel that I have nothing to do especially middle of the month.
I just wish that I can do more work at my free time.
I'm really busy at the beginning of the month which is after others team finish closing and I need to prepare management report.
But in other time, I just sitting there and think of what should I do now.
Until my colleague come and ask: Jimmy, back home lo.

I even raise this issue to my team lead that I hope to have more work in middle of the month.
And I know that, this is hard for him to arrange since our work normally is at end of month and beginning of the month.
I take lots of leave, better than stay in office then do nothing.
Others colleague may see you as a redundant.
Two more month then I'll be in this company for 1 year.
It's not too long but not too short.
It is the time for me to leave? I not sure bout that.

27th July

A new start for my blog. Not a happy starting.
Don't know what happen with me today.
Almost tear dropping in the train.
Send few SMS, but never get reply. Lost
I hate my world to be lonely, but in fact, I always alone.
I just hope some one to listen me seriously.
Even he didn't give me any feedback or advise, at least a respond.
I'm not over, right?

Listen to the techno song and feel like tear drop it just not a good experience.
Try to use the way that I learn at "Emotional Intelligent" training
"Whenever you feel your are emotional, just stop all the things and take few deep breath"
I try 20 time, 50 times, 70 times, 120 times......
At the end, I reach home, take a shower,finally, collapse on my bed.
Crying like a baby. Feel helpless. Feel hurt. Feel lonely.
I need some one the just beside me and lend me his shoulder.
I need some one just give me a hug when I need and I don't care whether he know what to say.
Maybe this is just a wild wishes for me. I not deserve to get all this.

I give up many good people in my life. I don't know how to treasure.
Fate just pass by my side for few times and I didn't hold it tight, this is what the result.
The one I care, the one I love now become others partner.
What I get now? Loneliness and sadness.
Blame who? Blame no one...... but myself

Wiping all tears, wearing a mask, I'm a clown, smiling outside, tearing inside.